


The Traveling Trebuchet Toaster

by Flyingintospace



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Trebuchet toaster
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-03
Packaged: 2018-02-28 10:47:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2729597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flyingintospace/pseuds/Flyingintospace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who wouldn't want a toaster that launches your toast through the air.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hall/Eberle

**Author's Note:**

> This is an update version of a story that I wrote a long time ago on livejournal.

"How do you think it works?" The words brought Jordan to a dead stop as he stumbled sleepily into the kitchen. He blinked in shock at the disaster that was the kitchen. A ruined cardboard box, ripped and scattered into pieces, bubble wrap, and Styrofoam packing peanuts covered every surface. 

And toast.

There was pieces of toast scattered everywhere.

"How does what work?" Jordan asked carefully. Wondering what Taylor was up to now and if he really wanted to know the answer to that question.

Taylor turned to Jordan, his face lit up ecstatically, holding up a odd looking white creation. It had two square sides and a rounded side, though it still managed to look like a square. A cord dangled from one end and the was a blue button on one of the square side and a couple slots in the other.

"What is that?" Jordan raised an eyebrow skeptically at Taylor.

"It's a toaster. A Trebuchet toaster!" Taylor exclaimed, holding the thing aloft. "Gags sent it."

"It's a what? And why did Sam send it to you?" Jordan sighed, as he walked carefully around the bread on the floor to grab a cup of coffee. He had a feeling he was going to need it.

"A Trebuchet toaster!" Taylor exclaimed again but then at Jordan's confused expression he decided to elaborate. "A trebuchet was a catapult that they used in the Middle Ages that the used to fling projectiles at enemies."

"I know what it is." Jordan scowled at him, though he was kind of surprised Taylor did. And it did explain the toast laying everywhere. "But why would someone decide that it would be a good idea to turn it into a toaster?"

"Oh come on, it's cool." Taylor said. "It lets you adjust the force and angle of the toast. You just have to have the plate in the right place. Which I haven't quite figured out yet."

Taylor turned and set the thing back on the counter. Jordan waited, not saying a word because he was sure Taylor wasn't finished talking.

And he was right.

"And it'll launch your toast across the room!" Taylor let out a evil sounding chuckle. "And come on that's just awesome!"

Jordan sighed again.

Taylor plugged the toaster back into the wall, regarding it with a confused look on his face. "Now I just have to figure out the angle thing.

Jordan looked at the insane creation on the counter. "Why not just point it at the wall until you get the hang of it? It looks like you all ready went through a loaf of bread."

Taylor looked chagrined and did what Jordan suggested. He turned the white toaster so it faced the wall and slid more bread into it. As he pressed the button the bread disappeared into the toaster. And then Taylor proceeded to stare at it in expectation.

Jordan watched him for a moment and then laughed at the look of utter concentration. He tugged at Taylor's elbow and pressing him up against the counter. Neither noticing Taylor's elbow bumping the toaster and it silently swung to face the two men.

"You know if you watch it, it'll never go off." Jordan replied, not mentioning that he was slightly jealous of the attention that Taylor was paying to the toaster.

"But what if I miss it?" Taylor asked, though he didn't seem that concerned as Jordan pressed his lips against Taylor's.

They thoroughly distracted themselves from the toaster. And suddenly there was a funny sound from behind them.

Jordan pulled back as Taylor whipped back towards the toaster. A springing sound went off and Jordan ducked as a piece of toast flew by his head. 

Taylor however stumbled backwards, having caught the second piece of toast full in the face, stumbling into Jordan and sending both of them crashing to the floor.

"Are you all right?" Jordan asked as they untangled themsleves, trying his hardest not to laugh.

"Yeah," Taylor answered, glaring up at the counter and muttering under his breath, "Stupid, evil toaster."

And that was all Jordan could take as he dissolved into laughter. Taylor turned his glare towards him.

"It's not that funny." Taylor growled.

"Yes, it is?" Jordan laughed. "Now how about you get rid of it and clean up your mess?"

Taylor grumbled but began to clean up the disaster he had created.


	2. Toews/Kane

Jonathan woke up to an odd noise coming from the kitchen. It sounded like something was hitting the wall. He looked over to the other side of the bed but Pat was already up, as usual. He grabbed his housecoat and headed out to the kitchen to investigate.

"I think this is how this works," Johnny heard Shaw say.

Those words made Johnny hesitate slightly, wondering if he should just go back to bed. But he supposed he should go stop whatever trouble the two of them were getting into.

He walked through the doorway into the kitchen, just as a white thing on the counter made a springing sound and suddenly launched two pieces of toast at him. Johnny let out a startled noise and ducked out of the way.

The two idiots who had decided to turn his kitchen into a battleground burst into laughter.

"What are you two doing?" Johnny demanded, glowering at them with his best Captain's face. Which apparently didn't have the same effect as it usually did when he was in his housecoat and had just been attacked by toast because the two of them just laughed harder.

He looked around the kitchen, there was a discarded cardboard box sitting on the counter and multiple empty bread bags.

And toast.

Which explained the noises he had been hearing.

Pat finally stopped laughing long enough to be able to talk. "Sorry, we weren't expecting you to walk through the door. We got this in the mail and I had to try it. But I ran out of bread and called Shawsy over to bring more."

God he was surrounded by children, Johnny decided.

"And what is it?" Johnny asked looking at the weird white creation.

"It's the Trebuchet Toaster!" Shaw announced, though Johnny was sure he mangled the pronunciation.

Johnny gave them both a skeptical look.

"Why?" He asked. "And where did it come from?"

"Why not?" Both of them answered and the Patrick said, "Hall sent it,"

"Why?" Johnny asked again but neither had an answer for that one.

"Want to see how it works?" Pat asked.

"I think I've seen enough," Johnny answered, he may have been feeling extra grumpy by now.

"Tazer," Pat whined, he grabbed Johnny's favorite coffee cup and filled it with coffee and handed it t Johnny. "Stop being grouchy and come watch this."

Johnny took a drink of his coffee and relented, coming over to stand beside the other two.

"So it let you adjust how much force and the angle that you shoot it at," Shaw explained. "And I think that we have it figured out."

Johnny was kind if worried how excited the two of them were about this.

"Maybe we can hit the plate this time," Pat said as he put more bread in the toaster.

Johnny looked towards then dining room table where there was indeed a plate sitting there.

The bread disappeared into the toaster as Pat pressed the blue button.

Johnny took another drink of coffee.

All three stood there watching the toaster and when it finally did go off Johnny did not jump.

The perfectly toasted bread sailed through the air into the dining room and landed just about on the plate. Pat and Shawsy cheered and celebrated like they had just scored a game winning goal. Johnny rolled his eyes and set the coffee on the counter. "I'm going back to bed. How about you two clean up this mess and get rid of that thing?"

"But Johnny," Pat started to whine.

Johnny gave Pat a look.

"Fine," Pat pouted.

"Thank you," Johnny said, leaving the kitchen.

"He always this grumpy in the morning?" Shaw asked.

"Yep," Pat said, loading more bread into the toaster.

"I thought we were cleaning up?" Shaw said.

"We'll get to it," Pat grinned at him and pressed the button.


	3. Crosby/Malkin

Sidney had slept in for the first time in a long time. Evgeni was already up when he awoke which was very unusual. Normally if he was up before Sidney he couldn't resist waking Sidney up in the most creative of ways. So Sidney must have been really out of it. It was a good thing that they had the day off today.

Sidney got ready for the day and then headed downstairs to find Evegni. As soon as he opened the door he smelled breakfast cooking.

Reaching the kitchen, he found Evgeni finishing up a pan of scrambled eggs.

"Morning," Evgeni greeted, wrapping his free arm around Sidney, pulling him in for a quick kiss. "Breakfast is almost done. Why don't you go have a seat?"

Sidney obeyed heading to the white table that was in the nook off of the kitchen. The table had been set and there was fresh flowers in the centre of the table, suggestion that Evgeni had been up long enough to run errands already. Sidney reached for the glass of orange juice that was sitting in front of him. He had just raised the glass to his lips and had taken a sip when something flew over his head. The startled Sidney flung his arms up in defense, throwing the glass of orange juice in the air, tipping his chair over and just about choking on the swallow of juice that he had taken.

"Sidney!" Evgeni exclaimed, hurrying over to help him up off the floor. "I'm sorry!"

"What the hell Geno!" Sidney exclaimed, still coughing on the juice.

"Is the toaster," Evegni said.

Sidney did indeed now see that is was toast that had landed on the plate. "What toaster?" Sidney was confused. He was pretty sure that their toaster didn't launch toast across the room.

"The one you got in the mail," Evgeni said, beginning to clean up the orange juice puddle.

"The mail? I didn't order a toaster," Sidney was confused.

"No, Kane sent it to you," Evgeni said.

"Patrick Kane? Why would he send me a toaster...why are you opening my mail?" Sidney asked.

"I don't know. Thought you would know? And because I wanted to know what was in there." Evgeni finished cleaning up the juice and broken glass.

"I have no idea why," Sidney walked over to the odd white toaster on the counter. Sidney didn't press the mail issue any further. "How does it work?"

"Is like shooting puck," Evgeni came over. "All about angle and force and possibly a little luck."

Evgeni put two more slices of bread in the toaster and adjusted the toaster slightly and then pressed the button. They watched the toaster until it went off, flinging the toast through the air and it landed on top of the previous toast. "See is easy."

"Sure, but Geno I think I'm fine with the old toaster that doesn't try and kill me." Sidney said.

Evegni laughed. "All right, you want me to send it back to Kane?"

"You can do whatever you want with it. I just don't want to see it tomorrow at breakfast," Sidney answered.

Evgeni smiled and Sidney didn't want to know what he had planned.


	4. Skinner/Staal

Jeff woke up sprawled across the bed alone.

The other side was cold suggesting that he had been alone awhile. But a quick glance at the clock beside the bed told him that he shouldn't be surprised by this fact considering it almost wasn't morning anymore.

He stretched, a luxuriously long stretch that made him just want to fall back into bed and go back to sleep. He was about to do just that when he heard a weird noise and then what sounded like cheering.

Curious about what was going on, Jeff got up out of bed and went to investigate what exactly was going on.

The tile floor was cold on his bare feet as he headed for the kitchen. The house seemed quiet and calm and Jeff wondered if he had just imagined the noises.

Of course that didn't explain where Eric was.

Reaching the kitchen Jeff still found no one. But there was a pot of coffee already brewed and Jeff decided that he needed one.

So he started around the kitchen island, attention focused on the coffee that was waiting for him when the odd noise came from his left. He turned to see what it was when from his right a hand grabbed his wrist and yanked him down to the floor.

Of course Jeff didn't fail to notice the barrage of toast that flew by exactly where he had been standing.

"Eric?" Jeff asked baffled when he discovered that it was indeed Eric that had pulled him down. He was sitting there, back against the island, and was reading the morning paper.

"Morning. Sleep well?" Eric asked as if everything was normal.

"Umm yeah. What's going on?" Jeff responded.

"My brothers are children." Eric answered, not looking away from the paper. "Jordan got a toaster from Malkin."

"He knows that's not really how you use a toaster right?" Jeff asked.

"It's some sort of gimmick," Eric looked over at him finally. "Honestly I didn't really get a good look before they took it."

"So we're just going to sit here until..." Jeff trailed off not knowing how to finish that one.

"My theory is until they get bored or run out of bread," Eric answered.

"How long have they been at this?" Jeff asked.

Eric cleared his throat and straightened his newspaper. "Longer then I thought they would be," he admitted.

Jeff sighed. "I'm getting coffee,"

"I wouldn't..." Eric started but he was too late as Jeff got to his feet.

Maniacal laughter came from the dining room and yet another barrage of toast was launch.

Eric yanked him back to the floor.

"But I want coffee," Jeff pouted.

Eric reached to his other side and produced his own coffee. "Here you can share mine,"

"My hero," Jeff grinned as he took a deep drink of Eric's coffee.

Neither noticed Jared sneaking around the other side to gather the toast that they had finally run out of.

The two sat quietly for a bit, Eric reading the paper and Jeff drinking his coffee. But finally Jeff couldn't keep quiet any longer. "Eric," Jeff said as he set the coffee cup on the floor. "We need to stop this. You're letting your brothers hold us captive here. With toast."

Eric gave him a look that was usually reserved for his brothers. But then he sighed. "You're right. You have a plan?"

Jeff kind of wanted to smack Eric. It was just toast. They were hockey players and he was pretty sure pucks were worse than toast to get hit by. "Yeah. I'm going to go take the toaster from them," Jeff said simply. He got to he his feet once more intending to put a stop to this.

Of course that just encouraged the two of them to launch more toast at him. The difference this time was that using already toasted toast meant that they launched flaming toast into the kitchen.

Jeff, who most certainly didn't yelp, dived out of the way of the flaming toast.

"Okay that's enough!" Eric exclaimed shooting to his feet. He stomped out the burning toast and then stormed into the dining room.

Jared managed to slip away from him but Jordan was not so lucky. Eric drug Jordan into the kitchen, "You are going to clean up this mess and I better not see anything that remotely resembles a toaster in this house for a very long time."

"But.." Jordan started but was silenced but Eric's glare. He wordlessly began to clean up the mess he had made.

Jeff smirked at the pouting Staal and followed Eric back into the dining room, where he was shoving the toaster back into the box it had obviously came in. Once it was haphazardly in the box, Eric stormed towards the front door. "Hey Eric where you going?"

"To throw this thing in the garbage," Eric replied. He wrenched open the door to find a startled looking Semin standing there.

"Here," Eric shoved the box into Semin's arms. "Happy birthday,"

Before Semin could say anything, Eric stormed back into the house.

"Is not my birthday," Semin was obviously baffled by all this.

"I would just go with it," Jeff said, slinging an arm over Semin's shoulders, leading him down the sidewalk away from the house. "But I would make sure that box never ends up back here again


	5. Semin + Habs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The toaster comes to Montreal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex = Alex Galchenyuk  
> Alexander = Alexander Semin

It seemed like it took forever for all of Alexander's Semin's possessions to make it from Raleigh to his new home in Montreal and even longer for him to unpack them.

Of course when his new team mates discovered this they immediately volunteered to help him unpack. He hadn't quite been sure about this but they weren't exactly taking no for an answer so he had relented.

The next morning Price, the Gally's, Subban and Jeff Petry had shown up on his doorstep ready to help him.

Price and Subban had started in the living room while Alexander and Petry had headed for the boxes that were scattered in the other areas and Galchenyuk and Gallagher headed for the kitchen.

"Hey what's this?" Brendan said all of a sudden.

Alex looked up from the box of pots he was putting away. He saw that Brendan pulled out a mid-sized box out of the another cardboard box. "Pretty sure that that's a toaster," he informed him.

Brendan was oblivious to the sarcasm in Alex's voice. "Never seen one like this before. It's the Trebuchet Toaster." Brendan stumbled over the pronouncation. "I wonder what makes it different? Do you see any bread?"

"Umm," Alex looked about the kitchen before he realized what he was doing. "We're supposed to be unpacking not cooking toast."

"But I just want to try it?" Brendan whined.

Alex gave him a look but then relented and grabbed the half a loaf of bread that was sitting next to him on the counter. "Once," he said handing it over.

Brendan grinned at him pulling the strange shaped machine out of the box.

                                                            *******************************

"What is that?" Carey asked as the weird noise repeated itself.

Alexander shrugged, he had never heard anything like it before.

"It's coming from the kitchen," Jeff replied. "Weren't the Gally's in there?"

"Yep, wonder what they're up to this time?" Carey pondered.

Alexander looked nervously towards the kitchen.

"I'll go have a look," Jeff said, heading for the kitchen before Alexander could freak out. But as he reached the door to the kitchen he yelped and jumped out of the way as something flew through the air hitting the wall on the other side.

"What was that?" Alexander exclaimed, hurrying forward.

But Jeff was quickly back on his feet. "You two stop that!" He shouted into the kitchen.

A cackling laugh came from the kitchen.

Alexander reached the kitchen doorway. "What is going on?" he demanded.

"It's your toaster," Jeff said. "How did you even get that thing?"

"I don't have a toaster," Alexander looked confused.

"Yes you do," Jeff argued. "They wouldn't be firing bread at us if you didn't." He gestured at the toast on the floor behind him.

Alexander started to protest again but then remembered the box that Eric Staal had giving to him months ago. "How did you know what it was?" he asked all of a sudden.

Price and Subban had joined the others by now and Jeff sighed. "It was while I was still in Edmonton. Hall got the toaster in the mail from Gagner. I never actually saw the thing but I heard enough about it. Hall described the thing as pure evil. We need to stop them."

"This is ridiculous. It's a toaster," Subban said, getting to his feet intending to burst into the kitchen. He did just that and a springing sound came from the kitchen and the flying bread hit Subban in the face sending him stumbling backwards.

"Okay we obviously need a plan before we go in there," Carey said. "Is this the only entrance?"

Alexander shook his head.

"Okay then we'll go stop them but we need someone to distract them," Carey decided.

"I'll do it. I've already been hit," Subban volunteered.

Carey nodded and he, Alexander and Jeff headed for the other entrance. They reached it and Jeff waved to Subban to go ahead.

 Subban sprang in through the kitchen door and the toaster went off as the other three hurried in the back entrance of the kitchen. Alex immediately backed away from the toaster, hands in the air but Brendan whirled the toaster to face the three intruders hitting the button to release the toast.

Carey batted the toast expertly out of the air as Jeff pulled Brendan away from the toaster and Alexander yanked the plug out of the wall.

"Really you two?" Carey gave them a skeptical look.

"Oh come on we were just having a bit of fun," Brendan said.

"And wasting all of Sasha's bread," Carey said.

Alexander was packing the toaster back into its box when Jeff said, "You really should get rid of that thing."

"Don't worry, I will," Alexander said. "I think we're done unpacking for the day. We should go grab food,"

The general consensus was positive and they headed off.

Hours later Alexander came home and saw the box sitting on his counter.

He stared at it.

He really should get rid of it but he couldn't help think that maybe he knew someone who might enjoy having the contraption. A slight smile appeared on his face as he packed the toaster up to send in the mail the next morning.


	6. Ovechkin

"Why? Why would someone send him that?" Tom demanded as he ducked another set of flying toast.

"I don't know but we have to stop him!" Michael shouted across the room where he was hiding behind a couch.

The door opened and they heard Ovechkin laughing evilly.

"Watch out! He has toast!" Tom shouted out a warning but it was too late as more toast flew through the space.

The newcomer, who turned out to be Holtby, yelped as the toast hit him. Michael took the chance to dart out from behind the couch and he rushed towards Ovechkin, snatching the toaster from the table it was sitting on.

"Hey!" Ovechkin exclaimed as his toy was taken away. He pouted and for a second Tom thought he was going to throw a temper tantrum. "Give it back!"

"Not till you stop firing toast at us!" Michael shouted back.

"Why are you firing toast at us?" Holtby demanded. "And also, ouch! Never fire toast at me again!"

Ovechkin looked annoyed at the demand. But then relented. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again. Now can I have my toaster back?"

"You promise?" Michael asked.

Ovechkin nodded and Michael relented, handing the toaster back over to him.

"Thank you," Ovechkin smiled at him and turned and was gone.

"Why do I think that was a bad idea?" Tom muttered.

                                                                   ****************************

Ryan Kesler was the first one to walk into the visitors locker room in DC, he was also the unlucky one to be hit in the face by the flying toast. He stumbled back into Perry who was just behind him.

Perry chuckled, "Forget how to walk there Kes?" He asked as he helped steady Kesler.

"No, something just hit me?" He looked down at his feet to find toast. "Toast?"

"Toast?" Perry repeated looking around Ryan. "Where did toast come from?"

"What's the hold up, you two?" Getzlaf asked, stepping around them.

There was a sproinging sound and before the toast could hit its intended target a hand shot out stopping it.

"I'm sorry," It was the Capital's goalie Braden Holtby. "Excuse me for a moment." He slipped into the locker room pass the confused Ducks team.

There was a hissed conversation between, Holtby and whoever was in the locker room.

"I said I wouldn't fire toast at you," An accented voice said.

"You can't fire it at them either!" Holtby said.

"Why not! They're competition!" Ovechkin suddenly came into view.

Getzlaf rubbed at his face.

"Let's go," Holtby declared pushing Ovechkin towards the door.

Ovechkin looked like he was going to reach for something. "Leave it."

"But..."

"Alex, leave it," Holtby's tone suggested he do as told.

Ovechkin pouted and stormed past the Ducks.

"Won't happen again," Holtby said. "Feel free to take that toaster with you." And with that odd request, the Captials were gone, leaving a confused Duck's team behind them.


End file.
